Thursday, June 02, 2011

Fantasized Journal Entry #2

#2. Age 14, January 17th, 2003, Anger management, and severe depression.
Depravation. I have no idea what’s wrong with me… my parents just don’t seem to understand! They kicked me out… I can’t really remember why though. I guess they had enough of me getting “just 70’s”, even though I’m trying my hardest. All they fucking care about is the number on the top of my report card. If it’s not over 80, then I get grounded. Maybe it was that one time I turned Freddy the Ferret’s face into hamburger because he called me a chump… I just snapped. But my parents… they transformed me! Now I hate everything, even playing guitar. It’s because of them that I can’t keep a job, or a relationship, or be a better guitar player. Also Uncle Vernon just died of cancer. He was the only person in my dysfunctional life that could make everything seem brighter… now he’s gone. God dammit! If only I could just show them what they’re doing to their son… to me… their only son. Fuck! I stormed outside of my room as they were watching their CNN Newsroom and eating their Chinese take out. Tears were rolling down my cheek, “If you don’t care about me, I don’t care about living in this world!” As I stormed outside. I just sat in the middle of the road and began to cry, waiting for ongoing traffic to come take me away from this place. It was freezing, like 10 or something below zero; I was just in my pyjamas. Then, something weird happened. I started to recollect all the decent things that happened in my life, and then I understood that I had more to live for than taken for granted. I had realized this just seconds before an ongoing truck almost ploughed into me. Being the son of middle class white trash made me realize that there is actually greater purpose in life: to live. I realized that suicide is the ultimate form of giving up, which from that day forward I made a pledge never to do. I still hate my parents, but now I respect the fact that raising a kid like me can be difficult. 

(RE-EDIT) This is why from now on, REMEMBER, whenever I have mood swings, I have to think about everything I have in my life and asses it, and then come to a conclusion. MAKE SURE YOU CALM DOWN AND THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.


  1. There are those who accept a life of mediocrity and those who fight against it. Those who give up entirely are neither lazy nor driven, just scared and hopeless.

    Scared and hopelessness in children are a sign of children without freedom or independence. Modern lifestyles and parenting have taken this away from many children in the last few decades.

    Either society needs a big change or the children will have to start making big decisions that they follow through with to gain true independence.

    Either way, kids have it tougher than most would believe as societal norms prays on the inherent weakness of most humans that are especially prevalent during adolescence. You just need to fight hard and stick with your decisions as long as it's not suicide.

  2. Great post, you have a way with words.

  3. Great post, here's my thoughts:
    If you ask me, suicide is the ultimate form of selfishness.
    You are hurting and sure, killing yourself will take the pain away. But only for you. For those around you everything will be worse. Think of your family, friends/loved ones. You don't want to hurt them do you?
    Instead of killing yourself, why don't you just stab your mother in the heart and be done with it?
    Oh wow did I just say that? Now we're in the "stay alive because of Guilt"-territory.

    Oh well, that's my thoughts.

  4. Boy, I would love to move back in with my family. No rent, breakfast every morning, no utility bills. The youth is wasted on the young.